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Don't read These Horoscopes if You Are Easily Offended
Aquarius January 21 - February 19. You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive and lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everybody thinks you are stupid.
Pisces February 20 - March 20. You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or the FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
Aries March 21 - April 20. You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a pr*ck.
Taurus April 21 - May 21. You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a g*ddam communist.
Gemini May 21 - June 21. You are a quick and intelligent thinker. (Huahaha) people like you because you are bisexual, however, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer June 22 - July 3. You are sympathetic and understanding to others with problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth a Sh*t.
Leo July 4 - August 23. You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and can't tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
Virgo August 24 - September 23. You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good train conductors and pimps.
Libra September 24 - October 23. You are the artistic type and have difficulty with reality. Changes in employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are excellent hookers. All Libras die of Venereal Diseases.
Scorpio October 24 - November 22. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-B*tch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius November 23 - January 20. You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.
Capricorn December 22 - January 20. You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.
Disclaimer! These horoscopes are meant for entertainment purposes only. If the horoscope describes you, in your opinion, then it is purely incidental. These horoscopes are attributed to the unknown author. If we find him we will give him or her full credit for these very funny, entertaining non-horoscopes. If you think these horoscopes describe you perfectly, well, tough sh*t because they are just made up funnies hehehe.
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